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Most strong-minded people have well defined likes, dislikes, interests, preferences and perspectives. It also explains why I stopped dating from that dating pool.


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Most people dream of having a partner who is also their best friend. They want to share hobbies, interests, thoughts, goals, and beliefs — but is this the best way to begin a relationship? Do opposites attract for a reason? And just how important are common interests in a relationship?

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2. they have perfect holidays and weekends.

Posted October 9, Reviewed by Ekua Hagan. As a young clinician, I believed that if you were physically attracted to someone and could not find anything intolerable about them, it made sense to make a commitment.

Of course, the concept of tolerance is a subjective one. For example, if you cannot tolerate a smoker or someone who drinks in excess it would be prudent to stay away from such a person rather than invest in their change—which may be the same as investing in a fantasy. If you are a saver and you determine that your potential partner throws caution to the wind when it comes to money, your union is likely to end in disaster.

I would not include in this, partners who initially meet your expectations but through no fault of their own regress to intolerable habits or tendencies.

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Life is tough and bad luck can come upon any of us at a given moment. You can, however, expect that they would do what they could to improve themselves. But I now see things somewhat differently. I believe that differences in interests can cause serious relationship problems.

One way to get and remain close to your partner.

Take hobbies, for example. Many couples I have treated see nothing wrong with each partner having different interests.

A husband likes basketball, and his wife likes movies. But it is a bit more complicated than that. If a couple is unable to tolerate the time and money a partner puts into a hobby, it can become a source of conflict. She was a well-educated professional with a great career. She was also close to him in age and a nonsmoker with no children. But something bothered him: He picked up that this woman absolutely loved to ski.

She often mentioned the sport in conversation and demonstrated excitement and passion every time the topic came up. He told me that a skier was one step away from the emergency room. Considering their ificant differences when it came to skiing, my client decided to end the relationship before it had a chance to develop. For her part, the young woman became combative—as if she were being rejected. Refusing to let go, she apparently berated my client. And if I want to ski, I can ski with my friends.

2) cultivate common interests

You and I can do other things. He assumed that her skills were close to that of a professional. The woman did not deny this but reiterated that my client did not have to go with her on her ski trips, and if he did, he could find other things to do. How long to do realistically give our relationship? Please do not mistake what I am saying.

My point is first and foremost about the matchup. If my client wanted to learn how to ski or was remotely interested in the sport, perhaps he passed up a great opportunity to broaden his horizons. But he was not interested in skiing and in fact, found it quite dangerous. He also saw it as potentially detrimental to the development of his relationship. The truth here is evident: When two partners have the same or similar interests, life is easier for the couple.

10 reasons why it is important to share common interests in a relationship

Better yet, if they share a passion for the same interests, it can bond them for years. I once owned a house in the mountains. One day while taking a walk I came across an old man who asked me if I lived nearby. My wife and I love it here. We have had a home here for 50 years and we feel blessed.

But there is still more to this underestimated concept of shared interests. There are couples, for example, who share interests but not to the same degree. A couple loved to exercise, but the husband was far more consumed with it than his wife.

Although the couple would exercise together two to three days during the week, the husband went alone on the weekends, causing his wife to accuse him of stealing valuable time away from the family.

The point here is that the degree to which an interest is shared is also an important factor and that couples need to negotiate and manage any ificant differences. Partners need not match up perfectly, but close enough to enjoy what they do have in common. A final word of caution: Partners can use differing interests or a failure to negotiate or support them against one another to mask deeper incompatibilities. If a couple is not emotionally or physically attracted to one another, or if one or both have intimacy issues, partners can use hobbies and various interests to distance from one another.

I have always wondered about some men, for example, who could never tolerate shopping with their wives. Who cares if you hang out in a few dress shops for a couple of hours?

Maybe you can build up some goodwill in your relationship, or at the very least, have lunch with your wife afterward. But some men prefer to nap or listen to the ballgame on the car radio while their wives shop by themselves. Other men may accompany their partners but whine or complain all the while. Not a good idea in my opinion. According to Gottmanit is not what you do together but how you interact while doing it. Each partner must show respect and support for their counterpart's interests.

How important are common interests in relationships?

I have also treated many couples that chronically triangulate other couples. That is, they have large groups of friends who they cannot seem to be without. But I have noticed that when these friends fade or when the couple is forced to be alone for extended periods of time, their relationship tends to fall apart.

Their foundation is too weak to bear the intimacy thrust upon them and their true lack of compatibility is exposed. All else considered, couples that have similar interests to a similar degree tend to have healthier relationships. These partners show interest in one another, think alike, share passion, enjoy similar adventures, and in the end, bond.

These couples fight less because they generally agree on how to invest their energy and finances. Life is better in so many ways for couples who share interests. While not all relationships fail because partners have ificantly different interests; they do not. Buscho, A. Why do people divorce? Geiger, A. Gottman, J. Why conventional marriage wisdom is wrong. Retrieved from gottman. Pew Research CenterOctober Retrieved from Religion and public life: One-in-five U. Retrieved from pewforum.

Stephen J. Betchen, D. Betchen D. Magnetic Partners. References Buscho, A. About the Author.

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